


Devil's advocate

by Tanni



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Ficlet, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-08
Updated: 2014-09-08
Packaged: 2018-02-16 16:21:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2276409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tanni/pseuds/Tanni
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"This is ridiculous.” Louis throws up his hands in despair after he’s closed the door behind a perky blonde girl. “None of them are untouched enough to serve as an offering to Beelzebub, and that last one couldn't even use PowerPoint."</p>
<p>Or the one where Louis and Zayn really need to find some interns to sacrifice or they're not getting their Christmas bonus.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Devil's advocate

**Author's Note:**

> Um. Yeah, I wanted to see what I could drabble in one day at work and this was the result. I don't know either, okay. Many thanks to [nothinginfinite](http://archiveofourown.org/users/nothinginfinite) for pointing out where I screwed up, any remaining mistakes are definitely my own.

“Right, I think that concludes our morning meeting.” Simon looks at Zayn and Louis across the length of the meeting room table, before glancing back down at his notes. "Louis, don't forget you have a video conference with the Great and Powerful Behemoth at ten, about that unfortunate mishap on the subway."

"Mishap? He scalped ten people on the Bakerloo Line, Simon. I really don't see what he thinks we can do for him. And why does it have to be a video conference? Now I'm off my breakfast." Louis groans, setting down his croissant. Zayn doesn't blame him. The Behemoth's sickly green skin tone isn't very sexy first thing in the morning. The warts don't help, either.

"Better you than me, mate," Zayn says with a grin.

Simon rolls his eyes at him, sliding a file across the table. "Meanwhile, you can get started on the case file for Marduk, the Harbinger of Doom."

"I think he prefers Tim now, actually."

“Really?” Louis raises his eyebrows at him over the edge of his coffee mug. “Does he still harbinge doom, though, Zayn?”

“Of course he does, Louis. You don’t just stop harbinging doom. It’s a _commitment_ ,” Zayn says seriously. Louis snorts into his coffee.

"You’re both idiots,” states Simon. “Now, I'll leave you to it, I'm sure you've noticed the collection of young men and women sitting at Reception, waiting to be interviewed for the interning position. So I'll let you get right to that." He gets up and walks out without another word.

Zayn glances at Louis. It's possible that he maybe forgot they were interviewing interns this morning.

"Fuck," Louis says, heartfelt. "Again? I feel like we're always interviewing new interns."

"We _are_. It's what happens when you use them as a virgin sacrifice after the end of their three-month term." Zayn shrugs.

"True, but still. It takes up way more time than I'd like." Louis wrinkles his nose. "Not to mention the paperwork. I hate paperwork. Can't we just. I don't know. _Not_ sacrifice the interns?"

"I guess so, if you want to explain that to Beelzebub. I’m not doing it though, I prefer my spleen inside my body."

"Fair point, Zayn. Fair point." Louis nods, following him out.

***

The first few applicants are utterly useless. Zayn sips his coffee in ever increasing quiet frustration, while Louis crisply shows them the door.

"This is ridiculous.” Louis throws up his hands in despair after he’s closed the door behind a perky blonde girl. “None of them are untouched enough to serve as an offering to Beelzebub, and that last one couldn't even use PowerPoint."

Zayn shrugs. "It's not as easy to find virgins nowadays, and some people only use open access software at home. We'll just have to keep looking, mate. Send in the next one."

The next one turns out to be a lanky, curly-haired person in what appears to be a ridiculously expensive coat. "Hello, hello," he says, dimpling at them.

"Oh well, fuck, there's no way this one is untouched," Louis mutters under his breath, leaning back in his chair.

"Sorry?" The guy blinks in confusion, looking between them.

"Nothing, _nothing_. Please sit down," Zayn offers, shooting Louis a warning look. "It's Harry, is it? Why do you want to be an intern here, Harry?"

"Work experience, mostly.” Harry smiles brightly. “This firm’s reputation is really impressive. And like, I took a bunch of computer classes so I think I'll be alright. I did really well. Most nights I stayed until the computer lab was closing, though one night I fell asleep at my desk and accidentally got locked in, and the maintenance man found me in the morning. His name was Mo, I think? I'm not sure. He was nice though, he took me to breakfast..."

"Okay." Louis holds up a hand to stop the slow hypnotizing ramble of Harry's words. He shuffles some papers, clearing his throat. “That’s excellent. Computer skills. Good. Yes. Are you seeing anyone right now, Harry?”

“Um. No? Is that, like…mandatory?” Harry frowns in confusion.

“We just feel that this job might be quite demanding, so it would be best if you didn’t, uh, see anyone? Best for you, of course, not for us.” Zayn gives him a smile that makes most people stop asking questions.

“Oh. Okay.” Harry shrugs.

“So, Harry, tell us more about your sexual history,” Louis says, studying his nails. Zayn feels a bit of coffee go up his nose.

Once he’s done coughing, he wipes a tear out of his eye and focuses on Harry. “What Louis _means_ is, would you like to start tomorrow on a one-week trial basis?”

***

“It’s fine,” Zayn says the following morning as they step into the lift. “We’ll do the tests while he’s here and find out for sure. If he’s not untouched, we’ll just like...tell him it’s not working out and hire someone else.” 

“Fine,” Louis answers, “but then you have be the one to tell him. He seemed really excited and he’d make a terribly sad face. I don’t want to cause that face to look sad, Zayn. I mean, you’ve seen the face.”

“I know, I know. We’ve all seen the face. But it’ll be okay – like, I have a really good feeling about this,” Zayn says, then pauses when they step out of the lift and onto the office floor.

Harry’s there by the lift, holding up a cup of coffee for each of them and beaming happily like he’s been waiting for their arrival. But that’s not the strange part.

“Fucking hell,” Louis murmurs, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Yeah,” Zayn breathes.

Gone is the long, cashmere coat. Instead, Harry’s dressed like what Zayn can only describe as a mid-nineties lesbian gypsy pirate. He’s all bangles and scarves, with a low cut shirt and jeans that make his legs look about twice as long; and judging from the dark look in Louis’ eyes, it’s clearly going to be a problem.

“I have a thing. In my office.” Louis’ jaw twitches a little as he accepts the coffee before he turns on his heels and stalks into his office, closing the door firmly behind him.

Harry chews his lip and looks concerned. “Is something wrong? Is that not the way he likes his coffee? I thought he said-”

“No.” Zayn holds up a hand to stop him. “Don’t worry. He really does have a thing.” He doesn’t inform Harry that the thing is masturbating furiously. Instead he ushers Harry to his new desk, smiling. “You can make yourself at home. There’s a small stack of files left behind by your predecessor when she, ah, left us a bit prematurely. So once you’re settled in, just colour code those files and put them on Louis’ desk when you’re done.”

“This one too?” Harry picks up a rogue folder sticking out of an open drawer. “It says, uh, Toyol the Terrible?”

“That’s a typo.” Zayn quickly swipes the file from Harry’s hand.

“Really?” Harry looks confused. “What’s it supposed to say?”

“Oh, I think that’s my phone. Bye now, see you in a bit, Harry. Start colour coding!” Zayn says, in a voice that’s loud and cheerful enough to deeply disturb anyone who knows him, before making a beeline to his office with the file tucked safely under his arm.

***

When he walks into Louis’ office at lunch time, he’s greeted with the sight of Louis and Harry tangled together in a sweaty mess on Louis’ fancy desk, and what they’re doing is definitely going to leave a stain on the mahogany.

“Oh. God. Sorry,” Harry says, but he’s panting happily and he's flushed all the way from his face down to the parts of him that are obscured by Louis, so he doesn’t look all that sorry.

“So, we’re gonna need a new intern. Told you we would.” Louis is still catching his breath, wiping his mouth and looking unbearably smug.

***

“No, he yanked out his _spine_ , Harry. You typed pine. We’re not a bloody landscaping firm, are we now?” Louis is frowning down at the report lying on Harry’s desk when Zayn finds him a few days later. He’s also draped over Harry in a somewhat inappropriate way that would imply several breaches of the code of conduct if they followed any such thing.

“Louis?”

“Oh. I thought they were fixing the garden. He yanked out his spine, really? That seems a bit harsh. No wonder he’s being sued.” Harry shakes his head quietly. He’s looking a little bit green, but thankfully not nearly as bad as the Great and Powerful Behemoth. Since they decided they could no longer sacrifice Harry, they’ve given him a proper job as Louis’ assistant and filled him in on the way they work. Harry, to Zayn’s eternal surprise, only vomited once and then adapted quickly. Sure, their clients were all monsters, but it still looked really great on his resume, he’d said. 

“Louis.” Zayn taps his foot impatiently, making Louis finally untangle himself from his Harry shaped nest. “Thought you might want to meet the new interns. This is Liam and Niall,” he says, pointing at them in turn. “I hired them both, I didn’t think you’d mind. Lots to do, after all… and you’ve been so busy.” He smiles at Louis, very quietly adding, “If you ever let me do all the interviews again while you’re shagging in the office, I’m going to do to you what Toyol the Terrible did to that puppy.”

“What happened to the puppy?” Harry blinks. Zayn pretends he didn’t hear him.

“Well, we’re so grateful for the opportunity,” Liam says with an earnest smile. “I know we were just telling each other earlier, we both would have like… sold our souls for a chance to work here or something.” 

“Don’t say that,” Harry intones, shaking his head. “I said that in the lunch room yesterday, and the next thing I know I’m like, naked in this dungeon -”

“Harold,” Louis says sharply, shaking his head a little.

“Well, we’re here to help out, really, so whatever we can do,” Niall says, blinking. He’s looking a little taken aback, partly because of Harry’s naked story, Zayn assumes, and partly because Louis is watching Niall intently, his gaze flicking between big blue eyes and rosy cheeks. Zayn holds in a sigh, trying not to roll his eyes. He’s going to have to spray Louis with a fucking water bottle.

“Down, boy,” he mutters quietly.

Louis’ eyes light up with wicked joy, ignoring Liam who is now glancing at Niall with obvious concern. “Oh, they’ll do, I think. They’ll do nicely.”

“They will as long as you control yourself, yes.” Zayn shoots him a look.

***

“Look, I said I was sorry, alright?” Zayn pushes a hand through his hair, taking a step back and crossing his arms defensively. Liam is still leaning against the wall from where Zayn had him pressed up against it, his eyes darting between Zayn and Louis. Zayn knows he shouldn’t have done it, but they were only kissing. A lot. And in all fairness, Zayn thinks, Liam has that mouth that makes it very hard for a human being to not want to kiss him so really, it’s not Zayn’s fault. Even now, Liam’s tie is askew and there is a very obvious bulge in his trousers. Zayn should get a fucking bonus just for not sinking to his knees on the spot.

Zayn sighs. “It’s gonna be fine, Louis, we can still use him.”

“Use me?” Liam’s voice goes a little high.

“Shh, Liam.” Louis ruffles his hair. “Nothing for you to worry your pretty little head over, I promise.”

“But I -”

“Sorry I’m late, I got. Held up in the lift.” Niall hurries into the office, grinning. His cheeks are flushed and his mouth looks, well, ravaged. Behind him Harry steps out of the elevator, blushing slightly, and makes a beeline for his desk while furiously tucking his shirt back into his trousers.

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Louis sighs. “This is not going to work for three months.”

Zayn looks at Harry, who’s pretending to look very busy at his desk, and then back at Liam and Niall, both looking a little debauched. It’s not even ten a.m. and they’ve all been here less than a week. Louis might have a point. “Emergency board meeting, Louis?”

“Yes, please, mate.” Louis nods, following Zayn into the conference room. It feels strange being in here without Simon, but this is an emergency, as far as Zayn’s concerned.

“I don’t feel right stringing them along, Louis. We have to make a decision and do it sooner rather than later.”

“Is it possible, maybe, that we don’t want to sacrifice _anyone_?” Louis offers carefully. “I mean, it would be fucking with our Christmas bonuses, sure. But.”

Zayn nods. He gets it. He really likes his bonus too, but he thinks he might like Niall and Liam’s company more. And they’ve found Harry a job, they can do that again. Zayn tries not to get distracted by the thought of having Liam right outside of his office every single day...

“Fine. Fine. I’ll go talk to Beelzebub, then.” Zayn leans against the wall, resigning himself to his fate. He’s really going to miss his spleen.

***

“So we didn’t have to be ritually sacrificed after all?” Liam looks relieved, taking a long pull from his pint. “Bit of a relief, that.” He gives Zayn a smile, but Zayn can see his hands shake a little.

“Yeah.” Zayn pitches his voice a little louder than he’d like over the din of the pub. He and Louis have decided to take the others for a drink after work. Their treat. It’s the least they can do for trying to sacrifice their interns to a demon God, really. “It turns out he always kind of thought the human sacrifice was a bit much, but he didn’t want to be rude if we were offering.”

“Beelzebub. Didn’t want to be rude?” Liam says slowly.

“Yeah, he’s all about manners, though you really wouldn’t give it to him with all that snarling. Anyway, it turns out that what he really wanted was a cheeseburger. Hasn’t had one in years, he said. Snarled.”

“So you ritually sacrificed a cheeseburger in our company dungeon?” Louis raised an eyebrow.

“Well, I did a whole menu, just in case,” Zayn says, but he’s drowned out by Niall loudly wheezing with laughter as he topples sideways and into Zayn’s lap. Zayn just pets his hair and leaves him there.

***


End file.
